| |
| |
|
Mahavir Information |
| ||||||||
|
You Can Help A Grieving Heart
Oh, we can talk about the best cold medications and if cherry cough syrup tastes better to kids than orange. We can recommend preschools and sneakers. But the hardest part of parenting is the least often discussed. The roughest aspect of being a parent is losing a child. Then we clam up. We don't want to hear. We are threatened. If her child died, mine could, too. What can we do when parenting goes beyond the normal expectations? "What do I say?" friends ask me with a look of agony in their eyes. "I feel so helpless. I can't empathize, I haven't had a child die." You can help. You don't have to stand there with a blank stare or excuse yourself from the conversation. You can be informed so that you will be able to reach out to a friend who has lost a child. "Jump into the midst of things and do something," says Ronald Knapp author of the book, Beyond Endurance: When A Child Dies. Traditionally there are the sympathy cards and hot casseroles brought over to the bereaved's home. But it doesn't end there. That is only the beginning of reaching out to your friend or relative who has recently experienced the death of a child of any age. Here are 15 tips you can learn to make you an effective and compassionate friend to your friend in pain: 1) Listen. When you ask your friend, "How are you doing today?" wait to hear the answer. 2) Cry with her. She may cry also, but your tears don't make her cry. She cries when no one else is around and within her heart are the daily tears no one sees. 3) Don't use any clichés. Avoid lines like, "It will get better." "Be grateful you have other children." "You're young, you can have another baby." "He was sick and it is good he is no longer suffering." There will never be a phrase invented that makes it all right that a child died. 4) Help with the care of the surviving children. Offer to take them to the park, your house for a meal, to church. Say "May I please take Billy to the park today? Is four o'clock okay with you?" Don't give the line, "If you need me, call me." Your bereaved friend may not feel comfortable with asking for help. 5) Say your friend's child's name. Even if she cries, these are tears that heal. Acknowledging that the child lived and has not been forgotten is a wonderful balm to a broken heart. 6) Give to the memorial fund. Find out what it is and give, today, next year and the next. Show you want to keep the child's memory alive. 7) Some mothers start to collect items that bring comfort after a child dies; find out what it is your friend is collecting and by one for her. My son liked watermelon and we have many stories of watermelons and him. So now my house has assorted watermelon mementos----a tea pot, a dish towel and a soap dispenser. Many mothers find solace in collecting rainbows, butterflies and angels. 8) Send a card (I'm thinking of you is fine) but stay away from sappy sympathy ones. 9) Go to the grave. Take flowers, a balloon or a toy. How honored your friend will be to see what you have left there the next time she visits the cemetery. 10) Don't use religion as a brush away for pain. Stay clear of words that don't help like, "It was God's Will." 11) Don't judge her. You don't know what she is going through each day, you cannot know of the intense pain unless you have had a child die. 12) Stay in touch. Call to see how she is coping. Suggest doing something together but if she isn't up to it, give her space. 13) Read a book on grief, focusing on the parts that give you ideas on how to be a source of comfort for your bereaved friend. 14) Know she now has a hole in her heart, a missing piece due to the death of her child. Holes like these never heal so accept this truth and don't expect her to get over this loss. 15) Remember that with the death of her child, a part of her died - old beliefs, ideals, etc. Her life has been forever changed. Even as you participate in the suggestions above, you will still feel uncomfortable. It has been three years since my four year-old Daniel died, and even now when I meet a newly bereaved mother, I am uncomfortable. Talking of the untimely death of a child is never easy for anyone. However, avoiding reality does not bring healing. You will provide many gifts of comfort along the way when you actively decide to help your grieving friend. When my friends and family acknowledge all four of my children, the three on this earth and the one in Heaven, I am honored. Each time it is as though a ray of warm sunlight has touched my soul. Further Reading: When A Child Has Died: Ways You Can Help A Bereaved Parent. Bonnie Hunt Conrad. Fithian Press, 1995. When Your Friend Is Grieving: Building A Bridge Of Love. Paula D'Arcy. Harold Shaw Publishers, 1990. Beyond Endurance: When A Child Dies. Ronald J. Knapp. New York: Schocken Books, 1986. Slices Of Sunlight, A Cookbook Of Memories: Remembrances Of The Children We Held. Alice J. Wisler. Daniel's House Publications, 2000. Down the Cereal Aisle: A Basket of Recipes and Remembrances. Alice J. Wisler. Daniel's House Publications, 2003. Alice J. Wisler of Daniel's House Publications, leads workshops on living with grief after the death of a child. Her web site teaches how to write for healing. She is also the editor of the popular ezine, Tributes and author of "Down the Cereal Aisle" and "Slices of Sunlight." http://www.geocities.com/griefhope/index.html
MORE RESOURCES:
Acne - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
When Sorrow Is Too Great to Be Borne Alone, Support Groups Reach Out Not long after Arlyn died, my husband and I decided to attend a support group program run by the local Hospice organization. We felt lost, afraid, and alone, and we desperately needed to understand the emotional roller coaster we were on. Whats It All About? For most people life is a fairly ordinary existence - and when I say ordinary I mean a contented, 'far from perfect' way of life. And that's okay? until something major happens to rock the boat. Who has the Worst Pain During the 28 years I have been interacting with bereaved people, one of the most frequent questions I have been asked is, "Who has the worst pain?" Do bereaved parents suffer more than widows and widowers? Do children whose parents die feel more agony than children who lose a sibling? Is it harder to watch a loved one suffer for a long time before death releases the victim than it is to answer the doorbell or the phone at midnight and suddenly hear the news of tragedy? Is suicide worse than homicide? Is the death of an "older" child more difficult to grieve than the death of a newborn or infant?If there were one, clear and definitive answer to those questions, grieving could be neatly catalogued and mourners could be organized into convenient categories. Our comforters and caregivers would then be able to select from a predictable menu of helps, and everyone could get "healed" more quickly and efficiently. Pope John Paul II WHAT I LEARNED FROM POPE JOHN PAUL II ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I am not a Catholic, but I felt a deep loss when Pope John Paul II took ill and then died. That's what happens to us with public people--we connect with them even if we didn't know them. Angelo Dies Angelo C, was a good man that never did any harm. He died yesterday in the shower over a severe asthma attack. Lessons We Learned From Terri Schiavo Let's talk about Terry Schiavo, since her death illustrated for me many aspects of grief and hope. Who among us was not moved by the drama of her last days? I know I was. Death, Close and Personal I got an email recently from someone whose mother died. She knew I'd suffered the loss of my mother and wanted some insight on how to deal with it. The Lesson of a Mothers Death Dedicated to my mother, FlorenceNovember 11, 1920 - May 25, 2005The Passing of the TorchShe lies in peaceful repose on her back with her hands, one atop the other, gently resting on her tummy. Those hands that loved to play the piano, taught me how to make the most delicious fudge, brushed my hair, held hundreds of books, gracefully parted the air during Tai Chi practice, pounded a career of typewriters, peeled logs in preparation for their new home, produced many a midnight sewing machine creation and, most importantly, held her children close to her heart. Dads, Life, and Death When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he was, either. How Long Does It Take to Mend a Broken Heart? Julian Austin, Canadian country singer, released a song called Should Be Over You. He sings, How long does it take to mend a broken heart? After the heartache and tears, lonely and hurting, one night stands and drinking ain't working, and missing you has near killed me a time or two, then after that I should be over you. Present Moment Awareness: Lessons From My Dog I've always waited for the perfect moment to be happy: As though time were a flower waiting to bloom. My scruffy puppy-happy senior dog knows better. The Walking Wounded When my phone rang the other day, it was a call from one of the "walking wounded," not unlike many that I have received during the years I have been interacting with the bereaved. I have often spoken with people who are feeling much like this caller was. Why Dont We Talk About Anticipatory Grief? I know anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs - far too well. My mother suffered from probable Alzheimer's disease and I was her caregiver for nine years. Grief I didn't know a heart could die before it stopped beating. I didn't know a life could cease before it stopped breathing. Traumas as Social Interactions ("He" in this text - to mean "He" or "She").We react to serious mishaps, life altering setbacks, disasters, abuse, and death by going through the phases of grieving. Graceful Grief: Angelic Help is on the Way! I believe that major change and loss in our lives is a door to grow ourselves, to become more loving, compassionate and accepting towards others and ourselves. We have choices that determine what the journey will look like. Death of a Parent: Saying Good-Bye to Mommy or Daddy Coping with the death of a loved one is never easy, regardless of how old you are when that loss occurs. For children who lose a parent, however, the effects can be devastating, indeed, and a plan will need to be put in place so that they can learn to accept this part of the life cycle and move on in a healthy, balanced manner. Grief & Loss - Healing Your Broken Heart What is it about Grief & Loss that upsets us so much? Is it the heavy duty emoting that we have to do to get through our suffering? Is it the fear we have about opening ourselves to all this pain? Because, let's face it, it's hard down there, in the land of grieving where all those emotions toss us around like a cork on a stormy sea.We understand that this is necessary, at a surface level, but how we are feeling is what really counts. One Womans Way of Dealing With Grief All of us at one time or another have felt grief: perhaps over a lost job, lost love, or the most heartbreaking, the death of someone we loved dearly. Each of us goes about the task of grieving in our own distinct way. You Have to Show Up: On Small Miracles (Okay, maybe not so small) I hadn't intended to go to my cousin's funeral.That sounds terrible, I know.
|
||||||||||||||||||
| Home | Site Map Copy Right 2006 Mahavir.com |
| NISL | Herbal Acne Solutions | Promotion Factory | Web Design | Online University Degree | College & University | GtpInfo | VPayU |
